Another Year - 2014

This past year was not one filled with extremes; in fact, it was one filled with much balance, much stillness. From work to home, from my professional development to my faith journey, from my external relationships to my internal being, almost all aspects had come to a delicate and precise balance. After the grievings and sorrows the past 3 to 4 years, this seemed like a much needed respite for me.


To sum up this past year, 3 things come to mind:

Confronting the Good and the Bad, My Strengths and My Weaknesses

I've always been someone of great sensitivity, to the externals and internals. The losses in the family over the past years have perhaps opened up my soul to new sensitivities in life. My experiences at work, especially in taking command of a relatively large unit, had also brought to my consciousness the best and the worst in me. It wasn't easy to confront and accept the darker sides within me, and my struggles were as much with God as with myself. Many a times over the past years, I have asked myself in times of self doubt what is my true worth, and what good is there within me that is worth just that little bit of self-love.

This past year was a time of healing, of sorts. Healing not only from the wounds of missing dad and mum, but also healing from the latent insecurities buried within me since my growing years. As I pursue He who first loved me and He who has stood by me all these years, the scales of the bitter wounds and scars were brought to the surface of my consciousness. And by His grace revealed only in the solitude of my soul and the silence of my being, I looked into my pain and despair only to discover a deeper reality.

Alas, a wrong question it was to query my worth and doubt the good within me! Reality was not to be found in self-worth nor goodness, self-transcendence nor good behaviour. I am because He is, and I have reason to be because He has loved me. Through the quiet revelation of joy and sorrow over the past year, my sensitivities were slowly tuned towards the internal, the self. Not that it no longer matter to me what others think or say of me, but there has been an increasing realisation that my being finds its intrinsic identity in who He has created me to be, nothing more nothing less. This deepening sense of self has released my soul from the chains of expectations, and helped me breathe the ecstasy of being truly alive, albeit not quite fully yet.

I am more joyful, on days of consolation and desolation. I greet the good and the bad in me every day, and I welcome the revelation of my strengths and my weaknesses, because I recognise now that collectively they describe who I am. And I find myself desiring more and more each day to share this deepened sense of joy with others. I now look forward to living more fully in 2015.

Called Away to Him

My first real encounter with Him was in Toronto, a land far away from what I called home. In the past year, the trips away from Singapore had continually brought me nearer to He who waits patiently for me. Each travel brings with it a new sense of adventure, a new sense of wonderment and a new sense of anticipation. And in the adventure, wonderment and anticipation, He was always there whispering into my soul and reminding me that He was never far.

It can feel quite surreal sometimes, being far away in a foreign land yet never quite feeling distant from Him. But it was precisely in those moments that I experienced more deeply His ever-present friendship, almost as if He was "resting in the boat on which I travel". These were powerful experiences for me, etching into my soul the marks of His faithfulness.

Gradually, these sensory experiences help reinforce the spiritual realities in my life. So many times I felt like even I was far away from my own soul, abandoning it to the wastelands of anxiety, anger, jealousy, lust and pride. Sometimes it felt like my soul had gone on a long long journey away from itself, betraying its own existence by taking on another identity. It is then that the spiritual realities of God's faithfulness and His persistent pursuit of this lost sheep become more real than ever. Just like His pursuit of my soul through the years and His presence with me through the foreign lands, He never fail to remind me that while I was not with Him, He was with me - whether through a small gentle breeze or a blazing fire.

Indeed, many a times this past year, I was called away. But I was not called away from Him, but called away to Him. And being called away to Him has taught me to leave behind all that I cling on to for familiar comfort, so that I may experience what it feels like to be truly home, albeit a glimpse for now.

Apprenticed by the God of Silence

As an introvert, silence and solitude comes quite naturally to me. Yet, He revealed to me the profound truth that silence and solitude does not grow, but are rather discovered. They are not virtues to be nurtured, but are rather realities that already are, only to await being re-acquainted.

In my younger days, I have often looked up into the skies (especially at night) and wonder to myself what lies beyond the clouds and stars. Deep within my gut, I knew that there was more than meets my eye. It was these wonderments, and my first semi-silent retreat more than 5 years ago, that brought me more deeply in love with silence and solitude. However, it was until this year that God apprenticed me more intimately in the art of silence and solitude.

Despite a busy and occasionally more stressful tempo at work, my soul began to experience the thirst for silence and solitude. The more the external forces drive me to a faster pace of existence, the more intense my thirst for silence and solitude became. In my desperation, God ushered me into a new routine that I could never dream of on my own. I began waking up earlier, sometimes as early as 5am, to start my day with silence and solitude.

From reading scriptures, contemplative prayer to planning the day, I was apprenticed into silence and solitude. It did not matter that some days I chose to sleep in, and it did not matter how I chose to spend the early silence; God revealed to me how He could always be found when the soul is still and the heart is at peace. He schooled me not on how to grow in silence and solitude, but how to befriend them. He taught me that silence and solitude had never left me, but rather I just need to return to them.

Indeed, I thank God that the past year was one of balance, and of stillness. He has opened up a new horizon within me, welcomed me into the reality of His presence and carved in my soul a haven of silence and solitude. I look forward to more in 2015.