One Month On...

The first month... Late last night, crossing over into 1st Nov, I recalled how it was one month ago. Holding your hand, assuring you of God's generous reception and embrace, walking that last few minutes with you... Emotions welled up in me, not because they had been any less intense every single day for the past month, but that they had not come so near to the surface of my awareness that you felt so near to me once again...

As I visited your place every now and then over the past month, to clear out stuff or just to dwell in a once familiar home, there was peace and comfort. Not because of nostalgia over memories but because of an intense longing for your presence. As you have said to us before, numerous times in fact, separation does make the heart grow fonder. Pa, you've never been so near to my heart as the past month, because it was never physically possible for you to penetrate every vein of my life. But now, your presence, together with Ma's, have grown and weaved into my daily living. Not like that of a grafted skin, but like that of water flowing through sand. 

The way you lived your life, your sense of generosity in the most unorthodox way, have now shaped my own life ever more than before. Recently, I came across news of a colleague, who have been struggling against cancer treatment for the past 6 years, facing financial difficulties from the high medical expenses. Having used up in entirety his medical insurances, the financial burden rests on the shoulders of his wife who had to also grapple with 3 young kids (2-6 years old). You, and Ma, came to mind - both of your spirit of generosity. There was money left from your funeral arrangements, and we were just wondering how to best use them - donations to church or otherwise. And it became clear that all of them should go towards this family in the face of their difficulties. Because it felt right, that both you and mum would have suggested I do so too.

As I ran through your house, clearing stuff, my mind was also pre-occupied with how should I deal with the house subsequently. While Ling Yun has continued to come weekly to clean the place, I know it is inevitable that there should soon be someone residing in the place. I cannot bear to sell the house, so renting it out seem like the next best option. However, we came across a family registered with our church as "in-need" who needed a residence in the short term. While we may not be able to clear out the house in time to assist them, again both yours and Ma's spirit of generosity seem to rouse in me a clear sense of how to deal with the house - rent out the house to families-in-need at low or no cost at all. That would fill your house with the same spirit of love and generosity as when you and Ma used to.

The pain of missing you and being separated from you and Ma is real. No amount of soothing can ease the pain, except through the healing of time. But a growing sense of your spirit leading me in my life choices, and in how I lead my daily living, has comforted me of your reassuring presence and prayers. I know you're safely in God's embrace now, together with Ma. I know that there were many "teachings" that I learnt from you in words and in actions that will continue to dwell with me, and that was my reassurance in times of longing.

One month on, and you are still remembered in my life and my heart, Pa. I am thankful for you, and Ma, and all the saints who had walked before me. Because you are all inspiration that the good fight can be fought, the good race can be run. On this day of All Saints Day, and of my birthday, I remember how God has given me life through you and Ma. Thank you, for being who you are.

I miss you, Pa, and your cooking.