Called to a Relationship

Recent weeks have been a constant spate of soul searching, through the new experiences of leading a Squadron, as a Commanding Officer. The new responsibilities and expectations, often self-imposed, added new burdens to my shoulders. And the new routines of each day further made me leap out of my comfort zone. It hadn't been easy trying to cope with the many things that are spinning around me. Not surprisingly, the least I depend on Him, the more I spin out of control. There were times of seeking and efforts in search of Him, but they were soon eroded by the tempo at work and the self-deluding expectations that I feel compelled to meet.

Today at mass was a revelation for me. I was praying and asking for answers - how do I be a good CO for my men, many whom are low in morale and feeling the strain of the fast-paced changes in the Sqn. How do I be a better friend and a better leader to many at work? How do I be in control of the many taskings and timelines that stare at me everyday I step into office, and even lurking in my mind as I head for home and be in the company of family and loved ones? There were many "hows" and "whys" that further add to the seemingly insurmountable obstacles that stand between me and inner peace. Then I suddenly felt God correcting me, by giving me new lens to see from a new perspective.

I've been led to believe that this phase of my life is to learn to be a good CO, to be a good leader and a compassionate one at that. I've been led to believe that this is the time for me to accountable and responsible for many things, and many people's life. But God says no, not exactly. He reminded me that He has first called me to a relationship with Him, and that might well be what I am called to focus on at this point in time, or even perhaps all through my life. He did not create me to be a CO, to be a leader or to change people's lives. He may guide me to become a leader or a friend, but His first call was for me to grow in my relationship with Him.

Then I ask myself "do I have a relationship with God, and what is the state of my relationship with Jesus?". I'd have labored in vain in this life, if I labor based on my own strengths and desires. I felt called to recollect myself and discover the true meaning of my life - to grow in my trust in the God who loves me, and to grow in freedom to love Him back. I live often in fear, in fear of failing expectations, of being ridiculed and of being considered a failure. These fears have shaped the way I think and behave, and these have hardly been in true freedom. I felt God calling out to me today, wanting to free me from all these anxieties and fears, not by me trying to be a better CO or a better leader, but by building of my relationship with Him.

He loves me, and wants me to be loved. He wants to free me as a slave, and to bring me to greater life. He wants me to live as His son, unafraid because He will always be by my side. My fears and anxieties may not go away, but neither would He. I have forgotten what it was like to have Him by my side, to go on each day unafraid. In the silence of my heart, I thanked Him for this reminder, the call of my Shepherd to bring me back. He has asked me to rediscover my relationship with Him and to grow in faith of His guiding hand, and it is now time for me to respond - to this call to a relationship with my God.

Speak Lord, your servant is listening.