On A New, Parallel Reality

The past week's like living in a parallel reality than before. There was a great sense of loss, but at the same time, a great sense of new realizations. There is a growing sense of peace that is beginning to anchor my being, and I'm not even sure where that is coming from. I've started a more regular prayer cycle using the Divine Office on a daily basis.

I wonder if all these was a result of a more than 2-weeks absence from work. I wonder. But I know regardless, my life has gone through a permanent change over the past 2 weeks. It will never be the same again, and it'd never return to the reality of the past. I cannot explain what is to come, but I know it'd be a reality that I can be more honest with.

There is also a growing sense of aloneness, and it's not in a bad way at all. In my own grief over the past 2 weeks, and dealing with the adjustments in my life and in the lives of many around me, I've journeyed on a road that only I can recognize and treasure. There is a sense that no one else, no matter how close to me, can be there with me in the silence of my heart. Sometimes, I begin to wonder whether even God was there with me. I know my mind says "yes", but this time, I am determined to let my heart experience the answer. And it seems like God Himself is holding my hand, gently guiding me through this. For once, I do not feel rushed to have to move on to any place else, but be contented to be led where life leads me. I'm not sure what I am experiencing now is the new reality that I would be embarking on, but for now, it doesn't even matter!

I've been a Christian for more than a decade now, and I've been "praying" all these while. But it is only in the most painful moments of my life, some of which were experienced over the past 2 weeks, that I truly experience my prayers. It is a very weird feeling, as if during prayers words mean very little, thoughts and voices mean very little, and all that fills up that sacred space can only be felt, be experienced.

I dunno whether I can ever turn to prayers in the same way that I used to, and I'm not sure whether I'd ever experience God in the same way. Perhaps this is like a new beginning, a new exodus where I leave my mind behind and seek God with all my heart. It is about time that I learn to wrestle with God.